Movies Guns Church Dicks and Balls - Transcript

Below is a transcript for the animated show "HassleHead" episode #1, "Movies Guns Church Dicks and Balls", (c)2007 Sliver Head Productions Inc.

EXT. THE BIJOU MOVIE THEATER
Street traffic. Camera ZOOMS to: Kirwan exits the Bijou. Harrold exits. They walk together stage right.

PULL SHOT - HARROLD AND KIRWAN WALKING
Kirwan folds his hands into pistols and shoots around

KIRWAN: Peugh peugh peugh, Bang. That was great. I loved the action. Peugh peugh peugh, Bang.

Harrold stops. Kirwan stops but he keeps shooting.

HARROLD: Could you stop? I lived through that film once. I don’t want to suffer it a second time even if it is being performed by Kirwan the master thespian.

Kirwan drops his hands.

KIRWAN: You’re a dick Harrold.

HARROLD: No. I’d be a dick if I videotaped your little gun-slinging pantomime, put it on the internet and made you famous like that Numa Numa dude.

KIRWAN: The Horror. The Horror.

Music comes up: “Ignorance is Bliss” By Black Greg.

FADE TO:

INT. HELICOPTER
In a homage to “Full Metal Jacket,” Kirwan shoots a .50 Caliber out the helicopter window.

KIRWAN: Get some. Get some.

SUPER CLOSE - KIRWAN

KIRWAN: How do you shoot women and children? You just don’t lead them so much.

He shoots some more.

KIRWAN: You just don’t lead them so much.

INT. HELICOPTER
Kirwan returns to shooting the .50.

FADE TO:

EXT. STREET - HARROLD AND KIRWAN
They start walking.

HARROLD: Listen, I want to stop by the Chinaman’s for a second.

KIRWAN: We just ate two hours ago.

HARROLD: Not Diner Chinaman, comic-book Chinaman.

KIRWAN: You want to pass by the little red church where Fiona sings in the choir.

HARROLD: Piffle.

KIRWAN: You can’t fool me.

HARROLD: Piffle I say.

CUT TO:

EXT. CHURCH
The doors open. Music booms – Bach’s Toccata and Fugue in D minor. Fiona exits. The doors close. The music stops. Fiona walks, stage left. We FOLLOW her to:

NEW ANGLE - HARROLD AND KIRWAN

KIRWAN: Surprise surprise, it’s Fiona.

Harrold holds his chest. We ZOOM IN to his eye and:

CUT TO:

EXT. FIELD OF FLOWERS AND TEDDY BEARS AND STARS AND RAINBOWS
Music Plays, “Honey Bee” by Super 8. Fiona cavorts. The dream sequence is interrupted when we:

CUT TO:

EXT. STREET
She looks down

FIONA: So ... uh ... what’s up?

HARROLD: Oh, nothing much.

FIONA: Nothing? Really? I’m pretty sure something’s up.

TWO SHOT - HARROLD AND KIRWAN
Kirwan whispers in Harrold’s ear.

KIRWAN: Dude, you’ve got a chubby.

They both look down.

HARROLD: Oh no. Fiona, look me in the eyes.

FIONA: What am I supposed to see?.

Harrold leans over and pulls Kirwan into frame:

TWO SHOT - HARROLD AND KIRWAN

HARROLD: It won’t go down.

Kirwan looks down then looks back up.

KIRWAN: I see that.

HARROLD: Kick me in the balls.

KIRWAN: Why?

HARROLD: Pain will mask my passion.

PULL BACK TO:

MEDIUM: Kirwan kicks Harrold in the nuts. Harrold bends over and vomits. He stands up.

FIONA: Gross!

HARROLD: That was so painful. But it worked. Thank you Kirwan.

CLOSE - FIONA

FIONA: I’ll never understand why you boys are embarrassed to show off a stiffie. If I had a penis, I’d be like:

She dances, swaying her hips

FIONA: Whoa whoa penis coming through, watch out make way for my penis.

CLOSE ON HARROLD

HARROLD: You mean, you saw my pudgie?

MEDIUM

FIONA: Big deal. See ya boys.

END